I spent a year trying to get over it.
It was real love, the first real love.
They used to ask me, how do you know it’s real love? What’s if it’s just excitement like other times?
This time was different I’d tell them.
When he smiles, my whole worlds lights up, when he laughs, the sound of his giggling brings peace to my heart and that’s why I stay, that’s why I forgive him, I want him to be happy and I want to see him being happy.
A friend one told me, in love you can’t be selfish, do you want him to be happy or you want to be the reason he’s happy? – I said both, what’s wrong with that?
Then she said to me.
Can your heart handle him being happy without you being the reason behind it?
I stopped. I said yes, of course as long as he’s happy. I just wanna see his smile and hear his laugh – no matter what the reason might be.
Then she said to me
Then fight back, stop agreeing with things you don’t like, say no when you feel like you have to, see what he does. Are you really the reason he smiles – or the fact that you always obey him makes him happy?
Well, the truth is, I’ll never know if he loved him as much as I did or even a little, I assume he didn’t though.
When I said my first ‘no’ his face became grumpy and didn’t text me for two weeks.
By the way it’s worth to mention that I’d only see me once a year for three months.
When I didn’t pick up my first call he went crazy – erasing all he had saying to me about ‘stop going crazy when I don’t reply’.
He didn’t mind me knowing he macks around with other chicks neither lie to me about his ex-not really ex girlfriend.
Broke my heart a million of times, I forgave them all one by one. He never apologised, never acknowledged the damage he had caused.
When I decided it’s over, I was labeled as ‘a drama queen’, ‘immature’
I was told ‘I told you, you weren’t ready to be with someone like me, you’re not mature enough, you can’t handle me’
June 2016 – May 2018
I spent about 6 months since the last time he left again, crying, waiting for a message , picking up my pieces to be ready to forgive him when he comes back, hoping he’d had realised.
Guess what, he never did; not come back, he always does, didn’t realise though, the damage that had been done.
“I said sorry I don’t know what else you want me to do”- that’s all I got from him, that was his apology!!
So I went back to thinking what my friend also said to me:
“Every time you forgive him, knowing he’ll never change, you burn yourself a little longer, you’ll never be able to trust people again and that’ll all happen because you didn’t choose to let him go any earlier”.
I didn’t realise what she meant – unfortunately, not until it happened.
I thanked him though, when we spoke last I thanked him.
I thanked him for teaching me what real love is all about.
Love is all about fighting for what you want, even though you know you may not get it.
Just because you fight for it, it’s not guaranteed you’ll get it.
Real love is fighting for it even though you maybe not get it, yet find the strength to walk away when the time is right.
Love isn’t all about butterflies, my world lights up when you smile, as I thought it was.
Love also has a tough side, which he taught me.
It hurt, took me a while to pick myself up but it made me stronger.
– Peace ❤️