One of the things I love about having my own blog is that it can be my place to escape when the thoughts in my head get too much and suppress the oxygen in my brain; a place other than my notepad or Word that I just type at, a place where I can be heard by others and feel free!
So my main concern these days is ‘how can I make my insecurities go away’ or at least ease the thought of which to simplify my day and actually allow myself enjoy certain things without worrying too much!
I’ve been called a ‘thinker’, an ‘OCD thinker’ I have been asked ‘Do you ever stop thinking?’ or ‘Why do you think that much?’ and not just from others but from myself too.
I have always been quite insecure, without actually know the reason, I had pretty good childhood, surrounded by people that loved me and protected by those that didn’t!
In terms of relationships with the opposite sex though, I had a hard time trusting and relaxing without constantly assuming and suspecting my partner…
It never was that bad though, not until my most recent and very first-real-actual heartbreak…
I have made a relevant post about him [my official heart breaker] in case you wanna fill any holes because I won’t go too much it detail about him this time or at least I’ll try not to!
So, he was the love of my life, made me realise that love isn’t always like we see it in the movies, love can hurt, heal and hurt you again in mini-seconds! He made me realise that when you love someone you wait, you sustain, you try and forgive. You risk even though the result might be uncertain.
Love can also blind you, or maybe make you wanna get blind to be able to foresee things that you know might hurt you. Little things that pile up and hurt you even more when you realise that you let yourself get to that point when he finally hurts you and scars your heart for ever.
You might stop bleeding but the scar will always be there! It’ll always remind you what you’ve been through and it’ll always – always hold you back and make you think deeper and more about letting anyone else in!
Long story short, he didn’t hurt me – I let him hurt me, he didn’t put me in love triangle – he made me wanna get involved, he did not put me second – he made me feel ok with being second because at least I had some of him… when it got serious, out of his hand, when I started asking for more answers, when his excuses and lies weren’t enough to keep me waiting, he simply did what he knows to do best, walked away – crawled back to his ex, they had a baby!
I spent days, weeks, months crying myself to sleep, waking up just to cry, blaming him, blaming me, punishing myself by keep reminding me how foolish I was and how I deserved being in such position as I could see it coming, yet, I still stayed!
Now, finally, after months I can feel that he’s out of my mind. He’s still in my heart – I can’t hate him because I loved him once but I can know think of him as a memory, lesson, experience without bleeding. Yet, the scar is still there reminding me how much it used hurt… often screaming at me to not let anyone else in, crying not to rip it open again!
I met someone, just when I had decided to stay single, when I stop searching desperately for someone to love me, when I decided to stop trying to show to people that I’m relationship worthy he came along!
He’s giving me things I haven’t asked for, he’s giving me things without me asking him to give me. Simple things. He makes an effort, gives me attention but also room to breath, takes me out but also cuddles up with me on the couch!
Things seem to be good, yet I still can’t stop thinking and thinking, being scared of what will happen if it doesn’t work, what if he meets other girls when we’re on holidays (separately) what if and if and then more ifs keep coming in then the whys make an entrance asking me why can’t you just STOP and ENJOY??
Well, when we want something different we need to do something different!
Well, I guess there is great work in progress!!