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Fighting My Insecurities

One of the things I love about having my own blog is that it can be my place to escape when the thoughts in my head get too much and suppress the oxygen in my brain; a place other than my notepad or Word that I just type at, a place where I can be heard by others and feel free!

So my main concern these days is ‘how can I make my insecurities go away’ or at least ease the thought of which to simplify my day and actually allow myself enjoy certain things without worrying too much!

I’ve been called a ‘thinker’, an ‘OCD thinker’ I have been asked ‘Do you ever stop thinking?’ or ‘Why do you think that much?’ and not just from others but from myself too.

I have always been quite insecure, without actually know the reason, I had pretty good childhood, surrounded by people that loved me and protected by those that didn’t!

In terms of relationships with the opposite sex though, I had a hard time trusting and relaxing without constantly assuming and suspecting my partner…

It never was that bad though, not until my most recent and very first-real-actual heartbreak…

I have made a relevant post about him [my official heart breaker] in case you wanna fill any holes because I won’t go too much it detail about him this time or at least I’ll try not to!

So, he was the love of my life, made me realise that love isn’t always like we see it in the movies, love can hurt, heal and hurt you again in mini-seconds! He made me realise that when you love someone you wait, you sustain, you try and forgive. You risk even though the result might be uncertain.

Love can also blind you, or maybe make you wanna get blind to be able to foresee things that you know might hurt you. Little things that pile up and hurt you even more when you realise that you let yourself get to that point when he finally hurts you and scars your heart for ever.

You might stop bleeding but the scar will always be there! It’ll always remind you what you’ve been through and it’ll always – always hold you back and make you think deeper and more about letting anyone else in!

Long story short, he didn’t hurt me – I let him hurt me, he didn’t put me in love triangle – he made me wanna get involved, he did not put me second – he made me feel ok with being second because at least I had some of him… when it got serious, out of his hand, when I started asking for more answers, when his excuses and lies weren’t enough to keep me waiting, he simply did what he knows to do best, walked away – crawled back to his ex, they had a baby!

I spent days, weeks, months crying myself to sleep, waking up just to cry, blaming him, blaming me, punishing myself by keep reminding me how foolish I was and how I deserved being in such position as I could see it coming, yet, I still stayed!

Now, finally, after months I can feel that he’s out of my mind. He’s still in my heart – I can’t hate him because I loved him once but I can know think of him as a memory, lesson, experience without bleeding. Yet, the scar is still there reminding me how much it used hurt… often screaming at me to not let anyone else in, crying not to rip it open again!

I met someone, just when I had decided to stay single, when I stop searching desperately for someone to love me, when I decided to stop trying to show to people that I’m relationship worthy he came along!

He’s giving me things I haven’t asked for, he’s giving me things without me asking him to give me. Simple things. He makes an effort, gives me attention but also room to breath, takes me out but also cuddles up with me on the couch!

Things seem to be good, yet I still can’t stop thinking and thinking, being scared of what will happen if it doesn’t work, what if he meets other girls when we’re on holidays (separately) what if and if and then more ifs keep coming in then the whys make an entrance asking me why can’t you just STOP and ENJOY??

Well, when we want something different we need to do something different!

Well, I guess there is great work in progress!!

❤️

#loveyourself

Quiet Place – Personal Review

A Quiet Place:

Very strong performances that were let down by poor storyline and lack of imagination.

⭐️⭐️

I must say that I was personally very excited to see this movie as I am a lover of sign language and my heart comes to peace when I watch movies – or any other form of art including diverse people.

Millicent Simmonds executed her role amazingly as well as the rest of the cast. The roles were impressive and the messages involved highly respected.

The reason however, I was deeply disappointed with the result is because, I personally, felt like the movie seemed very rushed. In my opinion, it was easily to predict, apart from the end which shocked me as I wasn’t ready for it; there was a lot more that could have been added to the story to elaborate and fulfil the audience’s desire for the family to be rescued.

Unless there is a second one on the way, I find it hard to explain such ending.

There was no plotting expect the part where the father sacrifices his life to save his children who were trapped in the truck while the monsters was about to kill them.

The message in this scene was also incredible as it indicated a parents’ love and importance for his/her children.

I must say however, if that was the first episode of a show, I’d say that it looked promising, but as a movie alone; I wasn’t impressed!!

Sense8 – Wolfgang – Max Riemelt

So I guess you all used the series finale for #Sense8?!

It is quite obvious who my favourite character is!! ☝🏽🔝

I don’t exactly what it is, as an actor he exceptional but he is also a gorgeous man!!

The way he puts that little side smile on his face and than golden heart underneath the beast’s skin!

Wolfgang (the character) a man who was raised within abuse, experiencing it, feeling it, seeing it etc. and so used to being exposed in violence in killing to survive in combination of the feeling he grows for Kala and demonstrates about Felix; the most two important people in his life shows that deep down he is still that little boy who just loves his mum!

The character was interesting as it was however no one could have executed it better than MX Riemelt!! ❤️❤️

What real love is all about.

I spent a year trying to get over it.

It was real love, the first real love.

They used to ask me, how do you know it’s real love? What’s if it’s just excitement like other times?

This time was different I’d tell them.

When he smiles, my whole worlds lights up, when he laughs, the sound of his giggling brings peace to my heart and that’s why I stay, that’s why I forgive him, I want him to be happy and I want to see him being happy.

A friend one told me, in love you can’t be selfish, do you want him to be happy or you want to be the reason he’s happy? – I said both, what’s wrong with that?

Then she said to me.

Can your heart handle him being happy without you being the reason behind it?

I stopped. I said yes, of course as long as he’s happy. I just wanna see his smile and hear his laugh – no matter what the reason might be.

Then she said to me

Then fight back, stop agreeing with things you don’t like, say no when you feel like you have to, see what he does. Are you really the reason he smiles – or the fact that you always obey him makes him happy?

Well, the truth is, I’ll never know if he loved him as much as I did or even a little, I assume he didn’t though.

When I said my first ‘no’ his face became grumpy and didn’t text me for two weeks.

By the way it’s worth to mention that I’d only see me once a year for three months.

When I didn’t pick up my first call he went crazy – erasing all he had saying to me about ‘stop going crazy when I don’t reply’.

He didn’t mind me knowing he macks around with other chicks neither lie to me about his ex-not really ex girlfriend.

Broke my heart a million of times, I forgave them all one by one. He never apologised, never acknowledged the damage he had caused.

When I decided it’s over, I was labeled as ‘a drama queen’, ‘immature’

I was told ‘I told you, you weren’t ready to be with someone like me, you’re not mature enough, you can’t handle me’

June 2016 – May 2018

I spent about 6 months since the last time he left again, crying, waiting for a message , picking up my pieces to be ready to forgive him when he comes back, hoping he’d had realised.

Guess what, he never did; not come back, he always does, didn’t realise though, the damage that had been done.

“I said sorry I don’t know what else you want me to do”- that’s all I got from him, that was his apology!!

So I went back to thinking what my friend also said to me:

“Every time you forgive him, knowing he’ll never change, you burn yourself a little longer, you’ll never be able to trust people again and that’ll all happen because you didn’t choose to let him go any earlier”.

I didn’t realise what she meant – unfortunately, not until it happened.

I thanked him though, when we spoke last I thanked him.

I thanked him for teaching me what real love is all about.

Love is all about fighting for what you want, even though you know you may not get it.

Just because you fight for it, it’s not guaranteed you’ll get it.

Real love is fighting for it even though you maybe not get it, yet find the strength to walk away when the time is right.

Love isn’t all about butterflies, my world lights up when you smile, as I thought it was.

Love also has a tough side, which he taught me.

It hurt, took me a while to pick myself up but it made me stronger.

– Peace ❤️

It’s the small things that count ❤️❤️

So today, just my normal Tuesday; not that normal really as my uni class got cancelled, so I had the chance to go get some shopping done and wonder around.

Just as I’m brining the groceries in through the back door; all annoyed because the bags were heavy, I sighted this beautiful flower.

A flower I never ever saw before – just like any other plants at my back yard.

I never paid any attention, I never was a big fan of gardens!

I had to stop and go back and look at it twice, even took a photo of it!

I was amazing of how many little but so beautiful things we miss out on from our everyday life just because we’re being drawn in our problems!

All I wanted is at in tonight’s blog is LIGHTEN UP PEOPLE!! Let’s all light up a little and start seeing a little clearer!!

Riverdale: SS🐍 #Jones #Serpents

South SideSo, I guess it is quite unnecessary to mention who’s side I’m on!

However, I do have some subjective views to share!

First, Archie has started to get to my nerves! He is selfish and too naive; he’s only a teenager and he thinks he can save the entire town on his own. He’s brave, no doubt, but he puts aside anything in order to get what he wants – or more practically, what Hiram wants.

How can you put aside YOUR BEST FRIEND and bring down his fight because your girlfriend’s daddy tells you so?

His behaviour has shown a numerous times that he is quite immature and Jughead’s friendship doesn’t mean that much to him; or maybe not as much as V means to him.

He puts his anger first and his urge to find the Black hood and he doesn’t realise how much he damages people around him that really do care about him!

I wonder if anyone else thinks that Archie has let down Jughead down a lot!

Peace ❤️